AskFrank

“Frankie boy, which came first--the chicken or the egg?”

Hey Anon! 99.9% of the people in my life don’t have the status to be able to call me “Frankie Boy”, so don’t ever call me that again! To answer your question, I believe the chicken came first. Especially if it was a male.

“What do you to get yourself out of a funk? Been depressed lately and it’s hard to force myself out.”

Whenever I'm in a funk, it's usually because I've been ruminating over the same thought repeatedly. What you need is to take a break from it. The thought of "I'm stuck because of ______" isn't just a thought; it's a track you're stuck on. It's draining to think like this all day, every day. To step out of that bubble, we need to remove ourselves from this thought cycle, even if it's just for an hour. Your attention needs to be focused on something else, preferably something completely unrelated to what you're torturing yourself over. What helps me is going to see a movie, exercising, or talking to someone—even a stranger. You might think that taking yourself out of the thought cycle means you're ignoring the issue, but that's what's keeping you on that hamster wheel. You're just taking a break to see that there's more outside this circle of hell.

Now, let me talk to you like you're me, stuck in bed and spiraling. You need to get outside and walk. When we're feeling depressed, our view of the world and our options become really narrow, and it can feel like you’ll never escape the situation you’re in. It's claustrophobic. If you can get yourself out of bed, I highly recommend stepping outside. Don’t think too much about it—don’t worry about what shoes to put on, where you're going, or how you're dressed. Just go and let yourself be depressed outside instead of inside. I don't really know how, but expanding your literal view of the world makes your ideas flourish and feels like you can always run towards something else.

Once you start to feel a bit more normal, or at least see some light at the end of the tunnel—congrats! You’ve just overcome the hardest part: taking those first steps to care for yourself and put yourself in a better headspace. A lot of people stay stuck in the hole, but you won’t. Now it’s time to plan. As much as I hate planning, you won’t get out of the rut if you don’t take action on what’s bothering you. Whether it's a bad coworker, a lost lover, or trying to lose weight, you need to decide what you're going to do and take steps towards it. These don’t have to be big leaps, but moving in a direction that you're proud of is key.

The walk is the most important physical step, but this last part is crucial for your mindset: you need to go easier on yourself. When you’re carrying the weight of self-criticism, telling yourself you’re not good enough or not doing enough, it’s impossible to get out of a rut. You have to lift that burden and truly believe you're doing your best to move forward. Even if it doesn’t feel like progress in the moment, the people around you will see it. If you can see yourself the way they do, you’ll realize you’re not hopeless, there is a way out, and it’s all about taking it step by step. Be proud of the small steps you take, no matter how small. That’s how you move forward.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't, submit another question with more details, and if you want, include your name. I’ll privately message you if you want to talk more.

You're not trying to save the world—just yourself. Walk, plan, and always forgive yourself.

Have you ever seen a slawbunny?

Congratulations, you've introduced me to a term I've never heard before in my entire life. To answer, I have not seen a slawbunny, but I hope it brings a lot of positivity in and around me.

“Do you ever randomly think about close friends from your past and realize you haven't talked to them in years? But then you think it's too late to reach out or awkward to say hi. I see these friends post on social media all the time and I do want to say something but I'm too afraid and shy. What do you suggest?”

I love this question, Anon! I love it because I am the exact same way and I go through your exact process of thinking. If my Sociology degree helped me understand anything, it’s that humans are social creatures. At our core, we yearn to connect with others and be seen. One of the most powerful connection tools we have now is social media (and text messages). We can connect with anyone in an instant. And one of the best parts of social media is that every post anybody ever makes is a conversation starter. Why does anyone post on social media? It all boils down to wanting attention. Therefore, why is it so wrong to respond to a post saying “Hi!”? But enough with the rhetorical questions. My advice to you is to reach out to these people and talk about literally anything with them. If they randomly popped in your mind, say that to them! It feels more honest. Three things tend to happen after you reach out to someone for so long:

1. They are more than delighted to hear from you and have also been curious on what you’ve been up to and will respond with kindness.

2. They are off-put by your random messages and are not open to reconnecting just yet.

3. They ignore your messages.

The two last responses (or lack there of) are usually the result of shyness, being unable to respond because of the busyness of life, or they feel like you’re about to ask them for something. Regardless, it’s more a reflection on the other person than it is to you. Getting a lot of #2’s and #3’s is still worth the chance of a #1 person, but I can promise you’ll get more #1’s especially if you’re a nice person. In my personal experience, people usually are grateful at the opportunity to reconnect or they think I’m hitting on them. Regardless of what happens, a new future is born with or without them.

“What is your biggest red flag and do you try to hide this to people you’re dating? “

I’m a pretty private person (PPP). As such, I tend not to share many details about what I’m doing, who I’m with, or what’s on my mind. It doesn’t feel intentional; I just seem to give the bare minimum until someone asks for more. For people I’m dating, this can come across as me being sneaky or hiding something. For example, I might say “I’m with someone” instead of “I’m with a friend,” which, as you can imagine, could drive someone nuts! I’ve tried to stop doing this and will often overcompensate by oversharing when I first start seeing someone, but as time goes on, I usually revert back to my PPP ways.

“Dear Frank, I’m currently face to face with a bear. What do you advise?”

Anon, you MUST confront the possibility that the bear may be nothing more than a phantom of your imagination—a manifestation of your fears finally coming to face you. The choices are clear: plant your feet, gaze into its eyes, and pray it senses your bravery, or curl up on the floor in fear, waiting for a miracle… as you always do in life. You already know which option to choose. Your possible ego death, though swift, will be honorable and significant. And then, maybe you’ll realize the "bear" wasn’t as big as you thought. But if the bear is real… you’re soooo cooked.

“Have you ever gotten the ick? What if you get the ick with someone you’ve dated for a while? Do you believe they can EVER come back from that?? or is it a lost cause? LOL”

I’ve experienced the notorious "ick" before. One day, someone I had been seeing for quite a while accidentally tripped and fell in such an awkward way that my body contracted the ick almost instantly. It was as if a genie had suddenly taken away a giraffe’s sense of balance and watched it slowly collapse. She had been my dream girl, but my feelings for her dissipated faster than if she had cheated on me. Unfortunately, it was a lost cause after that. It’s not like she was never going to fall again over the course of the relationship. So, it ended—not because of that alone, but it certainly didn’t help. Ladies, please maintain your balance around me.

“What’s it like being so funny? Genuinely curious”

I’m not just funny, Anon. I’m also well educated and I can cook! So I can crack a book open, some eggs, and jokes. Haha, but seriously, it’s a dark path I’ve chosen in my little life.

“So, are you flying solo these days or is someone lucky enough to be with you?”

Flying solo for now! No one want to board this turbulent Spirit Airlines Red-Eye right now. The only ones who do have a ton of baggage. I would love a co-pilot; one that enhances the journey and embraces the pit-stops instead of draining my fuel. I have a lot more flight references, but it’d probably fly right over your head.

“What do you think about when you're alone by yourself staring into the ocean, nature, the city skyline, etc?”

Great question! When I’m alone, I tend to let my mind wander wherever it wants to go. Lately, it often finds its way into negative spaces. Actually, throughout my life, my mind has tended to spiral down into dark spots more often than not. Nowadays, I actively fight it. However, when I’m staring at the ocean, nature, or a city skyline, my thoughts change drastically. The waves of the ocean make me think of the ebb and flow of life, as well as the vastness of space. Nature, especially forests, makes me think of the complexities of life and how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of the cosmos. A beautiful city skyline, on the other hand, gives me hope and a sense of growth, reminding me that we’re more prepared than we think to handle the crushing realities of life.

Being a very visual person, my environment has a big impact on me. A cubicle, for instance, makes me want to commit crimes. But for the sake of your question, I’ll assume you’re asking about the specific things I think about nowadays when I’m alone. Here are the five things I tend to dwell on before I either blast music or start jogging to distract myself:

• If I’m doing the best I can.

• What’s next in life (Career / Endeavors / Art).

• A specific person.

• The negative effects of sugar on the body.

• UFC rankings.

“Would you rather the first 10 minutes of a blowjob or the last 30 Seconds? Load into the mouth.”

First ten minutes. Less calories.

“Do you ever think about how you would go out? Realistically and ideally?”

To be frank, I don’t really think about that. I walk through life assuming there will always be a next day. But your question is making me reflect on it now. Hmm... realistically, I think I’ll go out with my brain degenerating to the point where I’m not all there, and eventually, it will fail me. Some of these questions are already expediting that process.

Ideally, though, I’d love to go out rescuing someone or something (from a burning building, drowning, etc.). In that moment, anything I’ve felt unaccomplished about in life would be redeemed. My life would feel fulfilled. If you think about it, who’s really saving who in that situation? … I’m so deep. Hopefully, this blog saves some lives too.

“Do you think God will favor a good Catholic who follows Jesus' teachings and doesn't repent, or a bad sinner who repents? Now, the good Catholic doesn't repent because he doesn't want to. His life is just that good that there is nothing to repent for.”

I am 95% sure you’re the same person who also asked the cake/dick question, so your questions, if I sense they’re from you, are revoked.

“Spring Rolls or Egg Rolls? Which do you prefer? Wrong answer and I’m unfollowing this blog.”

Near my house, there’s a restaurant called Pho Saigon that serves the best phở in all of the Copperfield area in South Cypress, Texas. When my parents used to take me there as a child, I always ordered the kids' meal, which came with a small bowl of phở, two eggrolls, and a drink. As I got older, I started ordering from the adult menu (aka the regular menu), which didn’t include the eggrolls. However, the owner and his wife, who always recognized my dad and eventually me, would still give me an eggroll every time we ate there. It made me feel special. Also, spring rolls often have weird shit in them like mint and bean sprouts. Eggrolls all the way.

“It is a common understanding that people on their death beds -- on the brink of death, about to see their Maker or some great vast empty Void -- have regrets. They wished they had done something different in and with their lives. Some wish they hadn't worked so hard. Some wish they hadn't been so obsessed with money. Some wished they had traveled more. Some wish they had loved more abundantly. As you are a relatively young man now, and able to change the course of your living, what is something you want to avoid regretting?”

Great question, Anon. It’s funny you ask this, as I’ve been thinking about it recently. Specifically, I’ve been pondering what’s possible to change as I get older. Is it really plausible to completely embrace a new way of living? Can we say that we’ve done the best we could with the information we had?

Luckily for me, I’ve settled on the belief that I do believe in free will and the ability to course-correct our lives. We’re not destined for whatever we think we’re owed or expect. So to answer your question, Anon, what I want to avoid regretting on my deathbed is not enjoying or appreciating life enough before achieving “success.”

Here’s a fact of life (probably): there have been no new emotions since humans have existed. Despite advances in time and technology, we’ve all faced fear, happiness, anxiety, and more at one point or another. The anxiety of being a brunette woman in Salem in 1692 is probably similar to the anxiety I feel when returning clothes I’ve worn without a receipt. We’re all living the same lives through this lens—there’s nothing more or less than these shared emotions.

Anyway, thinking that I have a secret formula for life and that everything will be resolved once I achieve my idea of success is immature. The notion that I’m "going somewhere" in life doesn’t have to depend on monetary or even familial success. I’ll get to where I’m going, but on the way there, I want to enjoy the journey. I want to taste the new foods of my generation, appreciate modern art, help my dad with his backyard projects, and attend events like prom. I want to understand what’s hip and rad with kids today. I want to offer help to those who need it—and even to those who don’t. I want to learn what has been and what can be. I want to take it all in NOW.

“Valorant?”

Go outside and touch grass, you wuss.

“How was your Friday when you ran into bad M's for the first time rather than the bad B's?”

Thank you for your submission, Anon! I’m not totally sure of the terminology being used here, but I’ll try my best to answer your question. Last Friday, I enjoyed the Austin nightlife scene and of course, I encountered many people from diverse and interesting backgrounds. Sixth Street was packed with young go-getters and families looking to sight-see wild extravaganzas. I assume that you understand my Vietnamese Background, so my first impressions of these “M’s” and “B’s” that you mentioned are reflective of bố và mẹ (Dad and Mom). While the street is probably not often frequented by mothers and fathers, I can understand why those in parental roles need an outlet after “holding it together” for the family all week! Fathers often carry the weight of the world on their shoulders in order to provide and care for their families, so I don’t judge those who need a break from everyday life. This isn’t my first time seeing fathers out and about, but when I do, I am so proud of their accomplishment and their willingness to keep their own “fun” lives while caretaking for others. I’m sure there were multiple mothers out there too on Friday and my sentiment is the same for them!

“I often find it challenging to not compare my life to that of others. Do you find that outside influences have a net positive or negative impact on your personal life?”

Great question, Anon. I too find it very challenging to compare my life to that of others and often succumb to depression and anxiety because of it! As a man still on the younger side of life, but can see the next leap forward, I often think about this question and how it’s aged over the years. Despite all of this, to answer your question, I do believe that outside influences have had a net positive on my life. As we walk through life, I believe we go through a filtering process of what’s important to us and what’s not. The problem is that we don’t always get to choose what is important. Negative influences and thoughts often find their way into our minds and heart. My advice to you is to determine what do you WANT to be meaningful in your life. What kind of person do you WANT to be? What is important to you? When we figure out the answer to these questions, our flawed filtering process becomes more clear and intentional. We allow less negative influences to disrupt any idea of who we are because we know who we are. So, when I say that outside influences have had a net positive on my life, I’m thinking of the conversations I’ve had with strangers that opened up new ideas in my life. I’m thinking of the books I’ve read that changed my perspective. I’m thinking of the YouTube street interviews with the homeless and noticing how grateful I am for all I have. All are outside influences that reinforce my chosen sense of self and make me feel positive in life.

“Valorant?”

Anon, you’re actually so annoying. You encourage me to shut down this column.

“Can you lead us to dubs?”

Anon, dubs are often hard to come by, whether it be in-game like for Apex Legends or in real life. Unfortunately, at this time, I’m not in a position to get dubs in Apex or in life. However, I hope you understand that these dubs often come in waves. It’s part of the cycle of life. We lose often and then we win often. 

“Valorant?”

No thank you Anon. Please stop submitting the same question.

“What is a film, and what is a movie? Which of the last 35 year Best Picture winners (that you've seen) are films, and which are movies?”

Six years ago, while distracting each other from work, my co-workers Erick, Connor, and I had a philosophically-charged conversation about the impact of Transformers (2007). Much to the chagrin of Erick and me, Connor argued that Transformers had a bigger impact on the film industry than any other movie released that year—or even that decade. He then introduced us to the concept of "Movies" vs. "Films." Although the terms are often used synonymously, Connor insisted they were vastly different.

According to him, a film is a work of art that transcends its time. It changes the entire landscape of the film industry, and its story is told throughout history. Experiencing a film alters your perspective on life and challenges your worldview. It is cinema at its finest. A movie, on the other hand, is simply a motion picture that, while enjoyable, does not stand the test of time or leave a lasting impact. They are "popcorn movies."

I looked to Erick for support in our debate—until he dropped the bombshell that he considered Adam Sandler’s Grown Ups (2010) to be a film. I had never felt more alone in my life. I left that job soon after and never spoke to Erick or Connor again.

Of the last 35 Best Picture winners I’ve seen, here are the films and the movies:

Films

• CODA

• Nomadland

• Parasite

• Moonlight

• Spotlight

• Birdman

• No Country for Old Men

• American Beauty

• Titanic

• Forrest Gump

• Silence of the Lambs

Movies

• Everything Everywhere All At Once

• Shape of Water

• 12 Years a Slave

• Argo

• The Artist

• The King’s Speech

• The Hurt Locker

• Slumdog Millionaire

• The Departed

• Crash

• Million Dollar Baby

• Gladiator

• Rain Man

“Would you rather sit on a cake and eat dick, or sit on a dick and eat cake?”

Sit on a cake and eat dick. I don’t like eating cake.

“How do I claim a Cookie Tote?”

Go online and redeem the coupon from the McDonald’s App.

“Is there anything that is permanent?”

It would be foolish to think that anything in this world is truly lasting, except for history itself. My answer is that nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary. From a micro-perspective, Anon, I like to believe that true love (romantic or not) is permanent because its effects can last for generations. A marriage built on care, a relationship between a mother and her child, or a man and his dog—humans love more than anything.

“Would you die happy if you knew you would die in an hour?”

If I died this very second, I don’t think I’d be happy. I’d be disappointed in myself—disappointed in how I handled adversity, how little I loved, how much I’ve stalled in life, and how I never got to show the world, or at least my world, who I really was.

“Have you ever been or came close to being arrested? What is the story behind that?”

I have never REALLY been close to being arrested. But my closest encounter with the police came outside of a nightclub in Amsterdam. Around 1:00AM, as I just said my tipsy good-byes to a few of my Irish classmates, I noticed a couple of crackhead thugs loitering around my bike (which I wasn’t totally against, as it was a piece of garbage with 2 wheels and a bell). As I walked closer to examine it became clear that not only was one of them setting up to bump a line on my bike seat, but the other was fiddling with the lock. I was alone at this point and a little faded, so my anxiety and judgement were slightly dulled. I screamed, “HEY!” with a commanding voice that even shocked me a bit. It drew the attention of neighboring bar attendees who were stumbling to find their bikes as well. I also caught the policeman’s attention when I ran towards my bike. As I… (TBF)

TO BE ANSWERED